It's-a greasy, like-a you!

Remember that old board game Pizza Party? Well, should I ever write a book about my 5.25 years as a pizza delivery man (NOT boy), I might have to steal that title. And, possibly, steal the uber-catchy jingle.

The last shift was Saturday night, a closing effort that took until close to 1 AM, thus leaving me late for Szem and Gio's latest terrific party. For the evening, I arranged an all-star lineup of music to listen to in the Echo.

* Different Class, Pulp
* Live At Folsom Prison, Johnny Cash
* Who's Next, The Who (incidentally, also the first disc I listened to at work in my CD player-havin' Echo)
* Songs from the West Coast, Elton John

I also had The Bends in storage, but didn't have enough time to listen to it. No U2, Springsteen or White Stripes since I've listened to all of them in big batches over the last few weeks. No Pearl Jam since I'm saving up a big listening fest for early September in prep for their JLC concert.

But aside from the music, the night was fairly uneventful. A few new deliveries, a few regulars, etc. I was surprised with a nice card, cake and bottle of whiskey from the staff as a going-away gift, and since I didn't have the heart to tell them I hate it, I now have a nice bottle of Scottish malt to re-gift at some point.

Overall, I'll probably miss the job a bit....not a lot, since I really am looking forward to having my entire weekend free, as working at the newspaper will entirely eat up my weeknights. Still, it wasn't hard work by any stretch, the money was great, I got to work with some good people, and to be honest, those hours in the car really allowed me to listen to a lot of music in large sittings. I also now know where places actually are in London, so when someone tells me they live in so-and-so street, I actually know where the hell they live. It was quite embarrassing in my first couple months of work when I had to check my map for a street name and found it three blocks from my house.

And now....great moments in delivery history.

* Every time I delivered to a guy who was clearly drunk or stoned, and they offered to pay me in either booze or weed. This happened more than once.

* Sidebar to the first entry: all the times that I was offered a beer and/or joint on the spot.

* The time I ran over a rabbit. I remember my first training session, where the girl training me said "Don't worry about running things over. Swerve if it's something big like a dog, but otherwise just keep going." This rabbit was the only living thing I ever hit while delivering.....well, as far as I know. I might've winged a kid or something, I dunno.

* All those times I resisted the urge to copy down people's credit card numbers. Honesty is the best policy!

* The time I delivered a pizza to a woman who was sitting waiting for it on the porch, despite it being January. She asks to see the pizza, feels the crust and then claims that "it doesn't feel warm" and asks for a discount. I try hard not to openly laugh in her face.

* All those fuckers who order pizzas at midnight and don't turn on their porchlights so I can read their address.

* All of those times when a kid came to the door and paid me in exact change. Like, if the bill was $11.43, he counted out the pennies. At what age does the concept of tipping take hold?

* That guy who ordered the same pizza every Saturday night for about two years until one time when I said "Hey, you're a regular customer. You know we have a VIP card that gives you a discount and free food." He said he'd look into it and to my knowledge never ordered again.

* All those times I drove in blizzards and rainstorms where I actually thought I was going to die.

* The time I drove to one side of town and knocked on the door of some confused folks who didn't order a pizza. A phone call determined that the pizza actually belonged to some guy on the other side of town (a solid 20 minutes drive away) who lived on a street in a new subdivision WITH THE SAME DAMN STREET NAME. Are you kidding me? Is it that hard to come up with original street names? Jabronie Drive, there's one right there. Took me two seconds.

* The time I was taking some trash out to the compactor, and saw a skunk rummaging around behind the dumpster. I have never run so fast in my life.

* All those times I was invited into the house by a huge-chested blonde woman for a round of graphic sex....wait a second, that never happened. Lesson for today, kids: pornography lies. And I had a whole raft of lines ready for the occasion, involving 'stuffing crusts' and so forth.

I will no doubt have a lot more of these ancedotes in the future, but this is just the first batch off the top of my head. In the meantime, it's a fond arrivederci to the pizza business. Hello, journalism! Yahoo?